Not Just Saying What You Feel But Feeling What You Say
One of the clients I had the privilege of working with at BAI said something that hasn’t left me. It stopped me mid-session and hit deep.
As a recovering people pleaser aka “the disease to please” I knew how to read a room in seconds and adjust to everyone’s expectations. I knew how to say the right thing. I even made an art of it.
But I wasn’t always feeling what I said. And after a while, that gap between words and emotion started to wear me down.
The Disease to Please A Trauma Response
Many psychologists talk about people-pleasing as a trauma response, often showing up as FAWN a survival mechanism where you appease others to feel safe.
(We’re not going deep into FAWN here but if this resonates with you, check out our two services: The Complete Man and The Comprehensive Man under the Work tab as that part of the work we do).
This post isn’t about therapy. It’s about something more foundational: how so many of us, as men, have learned to speak in order to win a room, a debate, a sale but never learned how to relate.
We’ve learned to speak in relationships without being connected to ourselves at all. Maybe on the surface, or a bit deeper but not from the core.
The Lie About Emotions
How many times have you heard some version of, “Men need to be more emotional, more vulnerable, more understanding…”?
So many of us have grown up disconnected from our God-given masculine energy and I don’t say that in some woo-woo, tribal, ayahuasca-circle kind of way. I mean grounded, integrated masculinity.
We didn’t witness healthy, aligned male role models. We didn’t have fathers who modeled presence and power. So what we’ve been fed instead mostly by culture, media, and the unhinged parts of the therapy world is: “Just be more emotional.”
But what does that actually mean?
Are we supposed to sit around, hold hands, cry, and talk endlessly about our wounds? What about drive, determination, resilience, discipline the things that make me a man?
Most of the time, that message feels off. It’s delivered like we need to surrender our strength just to get in touch with our feelings like emotion is supposed to replace being grounded and focused.
But here’s the truth:
You can’t be a complete, masculine, self-led man if you don’t even know what you’re feeling.
Emotions aren’t weakness.
They’re data.
They’re part of your nervous system.
They’re part of your instincts.
They’re part of your ability to connect with your kids, partner, friends, and G-d.
They’re part of your decision-making system.
They’re life itself.
They’re the signals under the surface that tell you when something’s off, or when something deeply matters.
Ignore them and you’re flying blind.
Know What You Feel Or Pay the Price
Most of us were never taught how to name what we feel.
Everything gets dumped into five words: angry, sad, fine, annoyed, stressed. That’s not awareness. That’s survival.
(AKA a trauma response. Did you know that being disconnected from emotions isn’t a flaw it’s a wound?)
There’s real power in knowing:
Am I actually angry… or do I feel unaccomplished?
Am I tired… or am I disappointed in myself?
Am I irritable… or am I lonely and disconnected?
Am I constantly busy… or am I avoiding stillness because I’m afraid of what might come up or because I’m running from something?
Am I overwhelmed… or am I trying to carry everything on my own because I don’t trust anyone else to hold it?
Start using something like the Feelings Wheel or the How We Feel app not because it’s trendy, but because if you want better direction, you need better language.
When you can name it, you can work with it.
The Shift: Feel What You Say
This is what my client said that landed hard:
“It’s not about just saying what you feel… it’s about feeling what you say.”
Let that sink in.
Most of us go on autopilot in our relationships and in our communications.
We say “I love you” to our wives like it’s the period at the end of a text.
We say “I’m proud of you” to our kids with the same energy we order a coffee
It becomes routine. But when you feel what you say it hits differently.
When your father feels it as he looks you in the eye and says, “I’m proud of the man you are,” it sticks for life because you felt it, not just heard it.
When your wife hears “I love you” from a place of truth, not habit, it doesn’t just keep the peace, it deepens the bond. Because she felt it, not just heard it.
Knowing your emotions is step one.
But feeling what you say?
That’s what builds intimacy. That's where you feel seen. That’s what makes your words matter.
Speak From Your Being
Sometimes in a session, I’ll find myself across a client and feel lost like I don’t have the “right” insight or a polished answer. But when I speak from presence from what I’m actually feeling and noticing in that moment it lands deeper than anything I could plan.
It’s not about sounding wise.
It’s about being real.
And trust me, clients don’t say, “Wow, great insight, Yehuda,” and then really heal and change. Insights are pivotal — they open the door — but insight alone isn’t enough.
They say, “Dang… I needed that,” and then healing happens.
That’s the difference.
So What Now?
You don’t need to become a different person. You don’t need to cry in a drum circle. You don’t need to swing from stoic to over-sharing.
But you do need to start getting honest about what’s happening under the hood.
Learn to name what you feel
Pay attention to where you’re speaking from — autopilot or presence
Start practicing what it feels like to mean what you say
Because that’s how a man moves from surviving to leading not just in the world, but in his own life.
Yes, I still struggle with this. But I’m getting better. And as I do, my ability to regulate, name my needs, and speak from a place that builds bridges not barriers that part of me grows stronger every day.
Your Homework: Start Feeling What You Say
Before your next conversation whether it’s with your wife, your kids, a friend, or even yourself just pause for a moment and check in:
Name what you’re feeling. Don’t settle for “fine” or “okay.” Dig deeper. What’s really going on inside?
Ask yourself: Am I about to say this from autopilot, or am I speaking from what I truly feel right now?
Practice saying something with intention. It might be as simple as “I’m proud of you” or “I love you,” but this time, feel it before you say it.
Notice the difference in how it lands for you and for them.
This simple practice is your first step toward living with more presence, more truth, and more connection.
