The Essential Cocktail: A Recipe for Success in Life (Even for Non-Drinkers)
Yes, have I been a kiddush club member? You bet. Do I enjoy a good cocktail? For sure. Even though the idea that being Chabad—which I am—is synonymous with loving another and drinking (which is a discussion for another blog, as sorry to burst the bubble, isn’t necessarily true... the drinking part, lol), this truly isn’t going to be about drinking (I’m actually sober for almost two years at this point, which all started as a challenge). This is about the greatest cocktail you can create, in my estimation.
There are so many character traits that are beneficial for us as men to implement, work on, and be aware of. With life happening so quickly and with every other space (social media, people, books, etc.) telling us to work on something, it can really get confusing. So let me add my hat to the list because if it's already confusing, might as well go for it, lol. Just kidding—I actually want to give you the essential cocktail of character traits that will bring about your best self and the ones that are usually the most confusing for men. I can't promise you’ll be a bartender reaping the tips after this, but I truly think this may bring about much more than that. So go grab a drink—or actually, maybe don’t—but whatever it is, let’s jump into it. (I’m on matcha, MUD\*WTR, and coffee rotation, not that you asked.)
Humility: The Foundation of Authentic Growth
Yep, so many of us have been taught this word, whether in the form of bittul (nullification), not boasting, being quiet/low-key, etc. Yet what I’m referring to here is the idea of knowing my greatness and therefore not needing to prove anything. In other words, I’m open to hearing others, to learning, to failing, to apologizing, etc. Why? Because I know my worth. When I let go of my ego from a place of wholeness, I become more. Humility is working with others; it’s understanding that the world was created for me, not about me. Humility is saying there are things I can’t control and things I can, so I’m going to focus on what I have and can do. In other words, humility is what brings out the greatness within. Humility is knowing your talents and bringing them into the world. Humility is not judging yourself for every single action but being able to view yourself as someone who is becoming.
Humility is truly a superpower in many ways. It gives you the ability to show up in relationships with authenticity and to apologize when needed. Humility is the key to wisdom, allowing you to learn and grow from every experience. When you approach life with humility, you open yourself up to deeper connections and greater understanding. It’s a foundation for real growth, both personally and in your interactions with others. So ingredient one is Humility.
Discipline: The Consistency That Fuels Growth
Right off the bat, discipline almost naturally follows from humility. Discipline is another one of those words that can either make you curl up or have this nearly automatic negative association with it, or it can be one of those words that invigorates you—like you already hear David Goggins screaming in your thoughts, telling you it’s time to get going (or any other motivator you know). Some of us growing up also have this connotation that discipline is almost a religious thing (we do these things no matter what, aka kaballas ohl, or you’re just not disciplined enough, or maybe it’s the “I’m going to discipline aka knas” [fines for missing class or forgetting to do something], which I deeply hope isn’t a thing anymore).
So before we go any further, let’s dispel some myths about discipline. Discipline does not mean doing a thing without understanding. Discipline is not about fear of consequences, nor is it restrictive. Discipline is not about ignoring enjoyment in your peripheral vision, and it’s not merely about the external. I can go into more, but because this isn’t just about discipline, I think you get the point. Discipline, as the quote goes, “is choosing between what I want now and what I want most.” At its core, discipline is all about self-love and taking the next step in maturity. Discipline is consistency. Discipline is commitment. Discipline is aiming for your best self and not settling for the easy path. Discipline is planning and perseverance. Discipline is inner strength. Or, as Jocko Willink, the master of discipline, puts it, “Discipline equals freedom.” See, discipline is about channeling your energy into your highest potential. And when you do that, you really are free.
Quick story time: When I was working in the winery (for those who don’t know, it’s a job where you work 12-hour shifts with a bunch of people, and for me, it was nighttime 7-7 or 5-5, making sure things are kosher), I was smoking cigarettes. One of the workers from the plant itself was a chain smoker, I mean legitimately one after another. After getting to know him and pretty much doing his job for months at a time, he and I connected mano a mano, and at some point, he asked me if I liked working out and sports. I told him it was actually my thing. He then asked me, bluntly, “So why are you smoking?” I told him, like any 21-year-old would, “I don’t know. I like it, and I’m not really addicted to it. It’s more of something I do while I’m here.” He said something that really changed the way I saw how to go about my younger 20s. He said, “Trust me, homie. You may be fine now and able to do all the things you like and pretty much feel invincible (which looking back, I totally did), but when you get to your later 30s and beyond, that’s when it hits you. The struggle isn’t when you’re super young; it comes later. So trust me, I’m addicted, and I’m telling you, don’t do it.” Now, did I stop right then and there? Hahaha, nope, not at all. However, it sure did make me think about it. Long story short, I did quit smoking almost four years ago, but from that moment on, it made me think about how my choices actually affect my future. The idea of “I’m fine now” is a place of immaturity. I don’t say that with a negative connotation but factually. Part of maturity is valuing the future and your highest self. To wrap up with ingredient two: Discipline is a core trait and muscle that we need to find and live with from within and from outside. As I have come to learn, discipline isn’t about doing something hard; it’s about doing the thing we don’t want to do in the moment but know it’s what is needed for me to be my best (e.g., for me to work out isn’t disciplined as I truly enjoy it, even though it’s hard. But not beating myself up, continuing to believe in my journey, being present in the tough moments, and not going to an extreme—finding balance—are some elements where discipline comes up).
Grit and Perseverance: The Drive to Keep Going
Last but certainly not least, to round up this drink and send you off into the sunset: Grit and perseverance. If discipline is setting yourself up for success and choosing your highest self, then grit and perseverance are what get you there. One way to look at it is that discipline is the guardrails, and grit and perseverance are the fuel, and you’re the car. So if discipline is setting yourself up and doing the hard things, grit is what will move you when the going gets tough. And let me tell you, this is where the spirit is called upon; this is where your soul gets fired up, and this is where you find out about yourself.
Discipline might be creating a business and outlining everything, accounting for your time, focusing on what’s important. Grit is failing on your launch, getting rejected by investors. Discipline might be deciding to put your life on track and creating a blueprint for change. Grit is finding yourself triggered, hearing your inner critic making you believe you’re pretending to be someone you aren’t, and telling that voice with compassion to move on.** See, there’s one thing to put in the work, eat the right diet, go to the gym, create a routine, track, and have goals. It’s a whole other thing to fall down and get back up with optimism, to still believe in yourself after failures and setbacks, to look down the so-called gauntlet of life and bills and still show up for your spouse, kids, and friends. If discipline is emunah (faith), grit and perseverance are bitachon (trust). And yes, whether you’re religious or not, I promise you both of these elements are in your life: the knowledge that there’s a greater plan, a journey beyond what you can see right now that’s personalized to you, and the belief that what you’re going through is good, that you still believe in the innate goodness within and your ability to genuinely smile, laugh, and not take life so seriously.
So there you have it: the most complex yet simple, bitter yet delicious, non-alcoholic cocktail a man can have. Oh and don't worry—this bar is always happy hour and no ID is needed.
#KeepBecoming
