Be A Man - What Does That Even Mean?
This conversation needs to be had, and it’s about time we have it. We need to talk about what it means to be a man and what role masculinity plays.
Even the idea that men should just become emotional, go to therapy, and follow a one-size-fits-all roadmap, or the opposite extreme that men should always assert aggression and be a force to be reckoned with, leaves so much chaos. Both approaches give men the wrong map for actually integrating masculinity into their lives. I’ve seen this pattern for quite a while, and the lack of this conversation is having real consequences. It impacts relationships, marriages, mental health, careers everything because masculinity isn’t just another topic for men; it is the topic.
Just recently, I was talking with two friends, and the discussion highlighted this perfectly. One friend insisted that men have been told for too long that aggression is bad, and that men should just embrace being aggressive as if that’s the solution to everything. The nuance of when and how aggression is appropriate in work, life, and relationships was completely missing, and it was clear this was already affecting his relationships. The other friend struggled to voice his opinion honestly, even when it might cause discomfort for someone else, showing the other extreme of men not fully expressing themselves.
These two examples reflect exactly what the current spaces around masculinity are putting out there. One promotes unchecked aggression and skewed ideas of what it means to be a man. The other encourages over-suppression or people-pleasing, going to therapy, and following a generic roadmap. Both miss the middle ground. The real, integrated conversation men need practical, honest, and nuanced is largely absent. I am seeing this lack of conversation truly impact people’s lives, marriages, mental health, and much more.
Redefining Masculinity: Beyond Labels
So much of the conversation today is either about how masculinity is “toxic” and that men need to become more docile and let women lead, or, slightly better, that men need to become more emotional and sensitive, show their emotions, go to therapy, and tada, you are golden.
These ideas are not wrong. They are true in many ways. But this is where things get stuck and off track. Personally, my life only truly changed in deep ways authentic confidence, self-esteem, relationships, inner peace, clarity, letting go of a victim mindset, and more when I discovered masculinity as a guiding force, part of who you are as a man, regardless of religion, politics, age, or anything else. It became a clarifying force and a path forward.
What has happened, and where we are now, is that unhealed men and social media clickbait personalities are spreading content that, at best, is crude and misleading. The biggest issue is that there is often a kernel of truth in it. I do not need to name specific figures many guys are absorbing this content and thinking it is the way forward. On the other side, unhealed people push the agenda that masculinity itself is the problem, arguing that if men just cared more, surrendered their innate drive and intensity, or put women on a pedestal, giving up their space in the world and in relationships, society would improve. Again, there is truth in some of these discussions, but it is far removed from reality.
So let’s jump in, not in depth, but to start the conversation. No clickbait, no oversimplified labels, just an honest, open discussion about what it means to be a man and a human being.
The Missing Roadmap: What They Didn’t Teach Us
Most of us weren’t given much of a roadmap for this. Growing up, we were often presented with external goals: become a Torah scholar, succeed in business, get into a good school, and so on. None of that is inherently wrong, but focusing on external achievements often came at the expense of exploring our inner worlds. Conversations about emotions, resilience, temptation, failure, and growth were tied to outcomes rather than the person sitting across from you and the specific challenges that, as men, we will face.
We weren’t taught what it actually means to be a man not just a religious man, a businessman, or a family man, but a man navigating the modern world. The blueprint wasn’t there. Now that I am older and have gone through life, personal growth, and my own internal journey, I see the depth and richness in the Torah, Chassidus, Musar, and other teachings. Yet no one ever connected the dots in a way that felt personal.
No one said, “This is what it means to fall, to struggle, to rise again, and to do it as a man.” We were given the stories, but not the real-life application of how to live those principles. No one said, “Here’s how to take this strength, this faith, this wisdom, and apply it to your journey as a man today.” No one was actually preparing us for life as a man. We weren’t truly taken through the passage from boy to man. What does it mean to lead, to be authentic, to take on responsibility, to work through obstacles, temptations, and failure?
The heroes and characters that make up our history are filled with life lessons and stories that can help us figure this out.
Lessons from Our Forefathers
We can look at the lives of our forefathers: Avraham, Yitzchak, Yaakov, and Yosef, men who faced incredible chaos, confusion, and pain.
Avraham: called to leave behind everything familiar and step into the unknown. He showed the courage to trust, take action, and step into his mission without guarantees, teaching us that healthy masculinity means moving forward with faith and conviction even when the path is unclear.
Yitzchak: bound on the altar with his life on the line, embodied strength through surrender, showing that masculinity is not always about control, but about trusting a higher purpose when everything feels uncertain.
Yaakov: wrestling both literal and metaphorical angels, faced betrayal, family conflict, and years of exile, yet refused to give up until he emerged with a new name and deeper identity, showing that masculinity is forged in struggle and in the willingness to confront your own shadows.
Yosef: betrayed by his brothers, sold into slavery, and unjustly imprisoned, rose to power by transforming pain into purpose, teaching us that masculinity means refusing to be defined by circumstances and instead choosing growth, resilience, and leadership.
Each of them navigated profound adversity, showing that masculinity is not the absence of struggle or pain, but the strength to face it head-on while holding onto faith, purpose, and integrity.
King David and Moshe
King David, one of the greatest leaders in our history, is revered for his strength, leadership, and wisdom. Yet his life is marked by flaws, one of the most significant being his sin with Bathsheva. Many men are content to ignore this, but exploring it teaches important lessons about a man’s sexuality and the challenge of lust and temptation. David’s story is powerful because of his vulnerability and willingness to learn and grow. He did not hide from his mistakes or feelings of guilt. He channeled them into Tehillim, expressing sorrow, regret, and hope for healing and connection with God. His strength was not in pretending to be perfect, but in embracing his imperfections, seeking forgiveness, and continuing to lead. True strength comes from owning your vulnerabilities and moving forward with integrity.
Even Moshe, our greatest leader, felt inadequate. He was reluctant to take on leadership because of his speech impediment and more. Moshe was not a perfect, confident figure stepping up to lead; he had real insecurities. Yet God chose him to lead the Jewish people, showing us that even our greatest leaders are human, filled with doubt and fear, but still capable of greatness.
The True Essence of Masculinity: Embracing the Full Man
The real conversation is about what it truly means to be a man, and more importantly, a whole man. Being a man is a fusion of emotional intelligence, vulnerability, action, hope, and leadership. It’s about understanding your emotions without being controlled by them, having the courage to open up and be vulnerable, while still taking purposeful, directed action.
Being a man means standing up when life knocks you down, remaining hopeful, and seeing the light even in tough times. It’s about having the humility to surrender when needed, and the strength to rise again with even greater determination. It’s about leading with confidence while also knowing when to follow. True balance is not just about strength and power; it’s about awareness, presence, and humility. It’s about harnessing your drive, blending passion, strength, and tenacity with calmness, clarity, and focus.
The above lessons, when fleshed out and discussed practically, are exactly what men need. How many of us do not know how to navigate these concepts from feelings of inadequacy to failure and pain, to temptation and so much more? We have the wisdom, but we forgot to pass it on outside of it just being knowledge.
Embracing Strength and Vulnerability: A Balanced Approach
We need to show up as men who are emotionally aware, comfortable with vulnerability, while also strong in our drive, focus, and resilience. We need to be men who can face our emotions without being consumed by them, who can carry the weight of responsibility and understand that showing up is not just about being tough. It’s about being real, present, and honest with ourselves. True strength is not just physical or about getting things done. It’s about mental fortitude, emotional intelligence, and taking action that aligns with your deepest values.
The conversation about masculinity often gets reduced to extremes: the “tough it out” mentality on one side and the “become overly emotional” narrative on the other. Both miss the point. True masculinity is not about abandoning one side or the other; it’s about integrating both. The goal is to embody strength and emotional awareness, action and introspection, leadership and humility.
This is not about simply copying someone else’s path, though there are practices that can help along the way. Masculinity does not look the same for every man. It’s about discovering what works for you, what aligns with your purpose, what makes you proud of your character, and what guides you toward becoming the man you are meant to be.
Being a man is about finding the balance between extremes and living through it: knowing when to push forward, when to pause and reflect, and always acting with integrity. It’s about leading your own life, guiding your community, and setting an example, while understanding that real leadership begins from within.
Five Real-Life Questions to Ask Yourself
What is my relationship with masculinity, and how has my understanding or lack of understanding shaped my life?
What is my relationship with my own power, and how much do I trust the wisdom that comes from living responsibly as a man?
What is my relationship with challenge and uncertainty?
What is my relationship with struggle and growth, and how do I transform pain into purpose?
What is my relationship with vulnerability and integrity, and how do I learn from mistakes while continuing to lead and act with strength?
These questions are not about perfect answers. They are about starting the conversation with yourself. The answers may change, but asking them is the first step toward living authentically and embracing a masculinity that is whole, balanced, and true to who you are.
