Men: Wanting to Be Needed, Women: Needing to Be Wanted
This is a conversation most of us never had growing up, and it’s long overdue. Many of us weren’t taught what it truly means to be a man, or how to navigate our masculinity alongside the women in our lives. Growing up, we were given guidance on being good, following the rules, doing what’s expected, but rarely tools to understand ourselves, our energy, or how to show up fully in relationships with others and self. Most of what I’ve learned about being a man has come through trial and error, and I won’t lie it included plenty of mistakes, confusion, and moments of doubt.
This isn’t about blaming anyone. It’s about looking honestly at what we were and weren’t taught, and asking: Who do you want to become? How do you want to show up in your life, your relationships, your family, your community, and your career? Without direction, it’s easy to drift. We get stuck, repeat patterns, and end up frustrated, disconnected, and unfulfilled.
Understanding Masculine and Feminine Energy
Growing up, most of us weren’t taught how to connect with or understand feminine energy, or how to have real, healthy relationships with women. Most of what I’ve learned came through experience, observation, pop secular “wisdom” and yes sometimes mistakes and moments of shame. This isn’t about blaming the system it’s about taking those lessons and using them to create a better future a more aligned present and healthier men.
There’s a fundamental difference between masculine and feminine energies, and it’s crucial to understand how they shape men and women. Men are wired to feel needed; women are wired to feel wanted. Understanding masculine and feminine energy and how it shapes men and women isn’t theory. It’s practical. It’s relational. It’s life-changing when we finally get it right.
Masculine Energy: Feeling Needed
Masculine energy embodies leadership and giving. Men are naturally wired to feel needed. It’s not just about what we can do for others in a practical sense; it’s about our sense of purpose, effectiveness, and the feeling that our actions matter. Men need direction and purpose something to work towards. This sense of purpose isn’t just about solving problems or being the "fixer" in the relationship (Mr. Fix It). It’s about knowing that our efforts are valued and that we are contributing to something larger than ourselves. When men feel needed, they step into leadership roles and fulfill their mission with meaning and strength.
In fact, research shows that men are far more likely than women to die by suicide, and a key factor is how deeply feelings of purposelessness and worthlessness affect men. In a study of 192 men, 74% used words like “useless” or “worthless” to describe their suicidal thoughts, with 30% using the same terms to describe their depressive feelings. Other commonly reported words included “hopeless” (68%), “pointless” (66%), and “over it” (62%) (Shand et al., 2015). hese aren’t just numbers they reflect how profoundly a lack of direction, meaning, or feeling needed can impact a man’s mental and emotional health. Recognizing this is critical, because supporting men in reconnecting with their purpose, sense of contribution, and their masculine energy isn’t just beneficial it can be life-saving.
Just to highlight this further, research shows that unemployed men experience significantly higher levels of emotional distress and are at greater risk of divorce compared to women (Killewald, 2013; Killewald & Gough, 2020). This underscores how deeply tied a man’s sense of purpose, work, and feeling needed is to his emotional well-being and the health of his relationships.
Feeling purposeful, having a vision, and being connected to our purpose is not just a luxury it’s at the core of many of the health struggles we are seeing today in men.
Feminine Energy: Feeling Wanted
On the other hand, feminine energy is all about receiving. Women need to feel wanted not just needed for their practical contributions, but wanted for who they are. It’s not just about being emotionally or physically desired; it’s about feeling like a priority in someone’s life. When women feel desired, they naturally step into their feminine energy, receiving love and care with grace, which brings so much beauty practically to your life as a man and, if you have a family, to the family.
She becomes someone who can take your ideas, your energy, and make something more than you could have thought possible. It’s not about constant validation, but the consistent recognition that they are seen, valued, and at the top of the priority list.
The desire to feel wanted is deep and fundamental to feminine energy. This dynamic nurtures a healthy, fulfilling relationship where both partners feel emotionally nourished and truly valued.
The Impact of Unmet Masculine Energy: Victimhood and Unbalanced Receiving
When a man loses touch with his masculine energy whether because he’s lacking purpose, direction, or just feeling the weight of life he can unintentionally lean too heavily into his feminine energy from a place that isn’t healthy. This often shows up as feeling like a victim, being overwhelmed, or simply drifting instead of taking action. Without balance, a man can feel passive or stuck, rather than creating, leading, and moving with intention. Masculine and feminine energy aren’t rigid, but when the masculine is absent, overcompensating with the feminine can create confusion, frustration, and a sense that life is happening to you instead of being shaped by you
Personal Experience: A Wake-Up Call
I’ve experienced both sides of this spectrum. There were times, and there still are, when I didn’t fully understand my masculine energy. Even as a social worker trained to see what’s beneath the words, I sometimes missed connecting with the feminine energy of my wife.
Early on, I overlooked something simple but powerful: my wife just wanted to feel desired not only physically, but emotionally. I focused too much on fixing problems or validating feelings without fully stepping into my role as someone who wanted her, deeply and completely. When I shifted into that space, everything clicked.
Around the same time, during a challenging season of losing my job, finishing my studies, and adjusting to fatherhood, I found myself leaning too far into feminine energy, feeling like life was happening to me instead of being guided by me. I wasn’t grounded in my masculine energy of purpose, direction, and leadership. That’s when it became clear: what I truly needed wasn’t more therapy or analysis it was a reconnection to my masculine role and energy. Being rooted in masculine energy knowing your direction, feeling purposeful, and leading with intention doesn’t mean ignoring emotions or challenges. It means showing up fully, with clarity, presence, and honesty, embracing whatever life brings, and choosing to see solutions and hold optimism even in the toughest moments
Where This Plays Out in Relationships
Dating Phase: For men, feeling that their time and effort in dating are appreciated is vital. When a woman recognizes the effort he put into planning the date and lets him know she enjoyed it (yes, men, please put effort into the dates), it allows him to step into his masculine energy as a leader. For women, knowing that they are genuinely seen, valued, and desired is key to stepping into their feminine energy of graceful receiving. It’s important for men to bring this presence and effort into the dates. And remember: women would rather see you “fail” trying to show you care about the relationship than not show up at all out of fear of making a mistake aka the “getting it right” syndrome
In Marriage: You can sum it up like this: "A man is only as successful as the woman makes him feel," and "A woman is only as fulfilled as how the man shows up for her." In a marriage, when a woman supports her husband’s vision and passions without being overly critical, it allows him to lead and helps her feel safe and valued.
For a husband, the key is not to treat the relationship as secondary or say, "I’ll get to us later." Show up fully. Demonstrate that you deeply love and value her, and let that be the foundation you build from. When a man steps into his masculine energy and a woman steps into her feminine energy, it creates a powerful cycle: she fuels your drive and purpose, becoming the wind beneath your wings. Prioritizing her isn’t a weakness. It’s one of the best investments you can make because nurturing her allows your masculine energy to grow, which in turn fuels everything you do.
Self: it’s about understanding your emotions without letting them run you, while also pursuing your vision and purpose without letting them overshadow your family, health, or values. It’s about giving space to the more receptive, feminine side of yourself while fully holding your masculine drive. Suppress either side, and it comes back in vices, stress, anger, or anxiety. True strength is integration, emotional sovereignty, paired with purposeful action. Being a man isn’t just success, wealth, or status. It’s having direction, presence, and being fully grounded in yourself while fully experiencing your emotions.
Conclusion: Embracing the Journey
Reflect on how you embody both masculine and feminine energy in your life and relationships. How does your sense of purpose, or lack of it, shape your connections with others? Are there ways you can embrace both energies more harmoniously? Understanding how these energies influence your relationships and personal growth is crucial. At the end of the day, men have an innate need to feel needed, while women have an innate need to feel wanted. Reflecting on which energy you're living from in various areas of your life can provide clarity. If you’re feeling lost or stuck, ask yourself: Am I seeking to feel needed, or do I need to feel wanted?
#KeepBecoming
