Mirror, Mirror on the Wall
"Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?" This iconic line has echoed through time, reflecting our innate desire to seek validation and answers from the outside world. But what if we flipped the script? What if the mirror didn’t hold the answers to our questions, but instead, we did?
Reflecting on Relationships as Men
As men, particularly within the context of our roles and responsibilities, it’s easy to point fingers. “She’s acting so emotional,” we might say. “She never compliments me or appreciates the sacrifices I make.” These external attributions can feel justified, but they often mask a deeper, internal dialogue. When was the last time you complimented yourself? When did you last acknowledge your own worth and strength? The truth is, the way we perceive others' actions towards us is often a reflection of how we treat ourselves.
This might be something revelatory or something you’ve been aware of for years: there’s a little man inside all of us. This little person is like having your own narrator for your life documentary in real-time. Becoming aware of this is integral; it’s called metacognition (becoming aware and understanding your own thought processes). Is it a critic, quick to judge, and demean? Or is it a supporter, encouraging and uplifting you at every step? The way we speak to ourselves shapes our reality. If we want compassion and patience from others, we must first cultivate these qualities within ourselves.
The Inner Critic vs. The Inner Supporter
Your inner critic can be relentless, highlighting every flaw, mistake, and shortcoming. This voice can be harsh, making us feel unworthy and unloved. Many of us think that this is the voice that will drive us to success. We aren't even aware of how many negative things we feed into our self-narratives. But this voice isn’t the only one we have. There’s also an inner supporter, a motivator who recognizes our efforts, celebrates our achievements, and reminds us of our intrinsic value.
When you catch yourself being critical, pause and ask: Would I say this to a friend? If the answer is no, it’s time to reframe the narrative. Shift from criticism to compassion. Instead of “I’m such a failure,” try “I’m proud of myself for trying.” This simple shift can transform your inner dialogue and, by extension, your interactions with the world. If you think this is just new-age, love-love hippy stuff, let me ask you: how come we are so quick to invalidate it? Try it first because that's actually hard work. It’s much easier to be negative about ourselves because then we can let ourselves off the hook. “I’m a loser” or “I’m a failure” are narratives that keep us from facing our true potential. You can’t hate yourself into the relationships, success, or experiences you want. You can’t criticize yourself into the best version of yourself healthily. Only by valuing yourself can you get there. Trust me, that’s the hardest work many of us will do because this will demand us to be better because we are better. This will lead us to be disciplined because our time is of actual value. I eat healthy because my body is a powerhouse of energy and potential.
Examples and Self-Reflection for Men
If you find yourself focusing on another person's behavior or a recurring situation, it’s essential to look in the mirror and ask, "How am I contributing to this?" These situations often highlight the areas where we need to look within ourselves, and this action will liberate us from many of the struggles.
For example, story time about me and the missus. One day (and this wasn't just one day, trust me, lol), I found myself feeling like I just couldn't get it right no matter how much I tried. I felt like I needed to give more. What's crazy was she didn’t even complain that day about things so much. What was really going on was me playing a story I had created, a narrative in my own head about certain values I live with. I was placing it on her, feeling like I needed to make sure she was okay and had everything she needed, trying to be the husband that gives, etc.
All the while, the problem was literally highlighting what I needed to work on being more self-directed and not always trying to make sure everyone was okay. Or, in other words, the fear of something happening that I didn’t want to experience. Now, I am not saying in any way, shape, or form to be disconnected and removed. Quite the opposite. You're so in touch and in tune with the relationship and situation that you’re able to see clearly where your own limits or spaces that need work are popping up.
Oh, to not keep y'all on a cliffhanger about what happened: I had to "man up" and have a serious conversation with myself first and then my wife. Did it go smoothly? Not 100%, but it sure was healthier than walking around not being conscious of how I play a part in the discomfort I am experiencing.
Applying the Concept to Different Areas of a Man's Life
This concept applies to various aspects of life, including work and personal growth:
Work: "My boss is treating me so poorly." Instead of only blaming the boss, consider, "How do I stand up for myself?" or "What boundaries do I need to set?"
Dating: "Why is this date so shallow or not getting to the juicy stuff?" Reflect on whether you are showing up ready to bring depth. Maybe there's a part of you that doesn't really want to open up because of past experiences. Perhaps what you're seeing in them is actually how you experience yourself.
It's crucial to clarify that this perspective is not about taking responsibility for everything that happens to us. There are experiences such as abuse, manipulation, or trauma that are not our fault. While it may not have been our fault, once we heal, we start to take responsibility for our lives as we learn a new narrative. Not only am I not broken, but I’m actually incredibly whole. This reflection is about recognizing how, in many day-to-day situations, we contribute to our experiences and how we can take ownership to foster growth and change.
Mirror, Mirror on the Wall
The next time you look in the mirror, ask yourself not what the world sees, but what you see within yourself. Recognize that you are the answer to many of your questions. Your inner world reflects your outer experience. If you desire kindness, be kind to yourself. If you seek patience, practice patience within. If you yearn for love, love yourself fiercely.
By transforming our internal dialogue, we can change our external reality. We can become the source of the compassion, patience, leadership, success, and love we seek. So, let’s rewrite the narrative.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, I am the answer (in many ways) to it all.
#KeepBecoming
